Gary: Are...you...ready?
Audience: Yeah!
Gary: In that case, welcome to the Gary Springtail Show!
Audience: (Wild cheering)
Gary: Today's guests are the cast from Disney and Pixar's hit movie, 'A Bug's Life,' which may or may not be playing where you live. And now, please welcome our guests!
Audience: (keeps cheering all throughout introductions)
Gary: From Ant Island, we have Princess Atta, future Queen!
Atta: Um...hi.
Gary: Next to her is her small sister Dot!
Dot: (giggles and waves)
Gary: Also, we have Flik, the questionable star of the picture!
Flik: Hey everyone--Wait! What do you mean 'questionable'?
Gary: Save it for the show, kid. Next we have the crew from P.T. Flea's Bug Circus! First is the flea himself, P.T.!
P.T.: Glad to be here Gary.
Gary: Yeah, sure you are. Next we have Slim, Francis, and Heimlich, the clowns!
Slim: Please don't introduce us as clowns, Gary. We are 'performers'.
Gary: Right. And please welcome Mantos the Magnificent and his lovely assistant Gypsy!
Audience: (throws in a few wolf whistles)
Gypsy: Oh my, thank you.
Gary: Next are Tuck and Roll, the trapeze artists and living cannonballs!
Tuck: Tulba srafi fullizak!
Roll: Brifa gullach ipsivich!
Gary: Um...yeah. And, Rosie and her noble steed, Dim! Uh...Rosie, could you do something about him?
(Dim is busy tunnelling under the set)
Rosie: Not really, Gary. The only thing to do when he gets like this is wait for warmer weather and hope he comes out on his own.
Gary: The show's only an hour, hon. On the end of the stage we have two members of the most dangerous grasshopper gang around, Hopper and Molt!
Molt: We're *really* honored to be here, Gary, I love your show. I watch it every--
Hopper: Shut up.
Gary: Tell us, anyone, what was it like being cast in such a multicultural picture?
Atta: It was very difficult, Gary. There were arguments and fights on the set every single day.
Gary: Be honest: did anyone get eaten?
Atta: *Tons* of people got eaten.
Audience: Oooh.
Gary: Who was doing most of the eating?
Flik: The predators. Rosie probably ate about half of all the victims herself.
Rosie: That's not true!
Slim: Yes well, whose web was 'accidentally' spun right over the catering table?
Rosie: Uhh... I didn't think anyone would actually eat anything from a place called 'Larry's Lard Bucket.'
Manny: Don't listen to her, she's a wicked liar!
Francis: You can't talk, you ate your fair share of grips and gaffers yourself!
Atta: Francis, why don't you tell Gary who kept eating all the aphids we had to play Aphie?
Flik: Boy that was a mess. The aphid wranglers had to get a new one just about every take.
Francis: (sputters) Hey! You can't blame *me* for that! I was hungry and the catering was all covered in webbing!
Heimlich: Ju should have done vat *I* did, Francis.
Francis: Eh? What's that?
Heimlich: Eat the sets.
P.T.: Gary, at least the movie had one thing going for it.
Gary: And that was..?
P.T.: The casting director wanted the characters to be losers and he cast losers for the parts.
Slim: How *dare* you call us losers! You, you...plague-spreader!
P.T.: What? I never spread a plague!
Gypsy: Fleas *have* been known to spread plague, P.T.
Manny: That is quite correct. Bubonic plague, mostly.
P.T.: That's it! Gary, I can't take insults from these peons any more! (leaps offstage)
Audience: Boo!
Gary: Now now, everyone...Mr. Flea will be back onstage in a moment.
(Security hauls P.T. back onstage and hurls him into his seat.)
Audience: Yay!
P.T.: This place is a prison!
Gary: Isn't it though? And now, I'm sure the audience would like to hear from the film's bad guys. Hopper? Molt? Do you have any interesting tales to tell?
Molt: Ooh! Ooh! I do!
Hopper: Shut up. Gary, I'd like to point out that this film unfairly characterized grasshoppers as greedy, malevelant criminals--Oh excuse me, that's my cel phone...(into phone) What's the word? Oh I see. Well, break his arms. Okay, one of his arms. Then call me back. (hangs up)
Gary: So what you're saying is that this film relies on stereotypes?
Flik: I disagree, Gary. I think this film *breaks* stereotypes.
Gary: You do?
Flik: Yes. I mean, I'm a male ant, and I played a worker ant in the movie. In fact, there were hundreds of men playing workers in the movie. This film is a real breakthrough!
Molt: Yeah? Then how come when my sister auditioned for the part of Thumper she got told to 'go home to her man'?
Rosie: Because no one wants to see a woman panting and drooling.
Atta: Um, excuse me? Where have *you* been?
Rosie: What's that supposed to--Oh. Well, you're probably right.
Atta: Preach on, sister.
Gary: Speaking of sisters, Dot, honey--isn't she cute--what did *you* think of the movie? Was it fun to make?
Dot: I had lots of fun, Mr. Springtail!
Audience: Aww!
Dot: Only...
Gary: Only what, sweetheart?
Dot: (flutters to stand on her seat and point at Atta) They cut out the scene where Atta and I fight to the death for the throne.
Gary: What?
Atta: The producers said it was too bloody.
Dot: You just didn't like it because I beat you!
Atta: You did not, you little fibber. 'To the death' means someone dies. I'm still alive, aren't I?
Dot: Oh yeah?
(Dot launches herself at Atta and they roll on the ground tusselling viciously.)
Audience: Woohoo! Yeah!
Gary: Okay, okay...can we cordon off a section for them, or something?
(Security comes on stage and sets up cones and police tape around the two combatants.)
Gary: Good, right. Now, Hopper, did you have anything more to add?
Hopper: Yes, Gary. You see, I'm a devoted thespian. People don't seem to realise that grasshoppers can be serious actors too. I don't want to spend my life lazing about in some field rubbing my legs together--
Molt: I kinda like rubbing my legs together, Hop.
Hopper: Shut up. Stand in the corner.
(Molt dejectedly leaves the set.)
Gary: I...see.
P.T.: (standing up on his seat) Gary, I'd like to state here, once and for all, that sucking blood is *not* disgusting! It is a *natural* phenomon--
(Atta suddenly stands up from where she and Dot had rolled behind the chairs. She's battered and bloody.)
Atta: I...I...I *won*! Yes! *I* shall be the next Queen! I alone will--(a loud buzzing noise can be heard) What's that? (the buzzing gets louder) No! It--Oh no!
(Atta suddenly flees fom the set, immediately persued by dozens of flying drone ants.)
Drones: (chanting) Mate with the Queen! Mate with the Queen!
(The Audience goes nuts.)
Gary: Wow, the things we can get away with in this time slot. Okay! It's time to take a break--Will someone please ask Mantos not to eat his wife's arm during the commercial, we want plenty of her left for the show. Thank you. And...we'll be back, right after this!
(Everyone on the panel stands up and begins yelling furiously at eachother except for Tuck and Roll, who sit back and cackle and point gleefully at the others.)
(Cut to a commerical for a product you don't need but desperately want.)
Content ©2000 Cynthia "Sparky" Read. All characters belong to Disney except for Gary Springtail, who may not be used without permission--in this specific form, anyways. :)