Whipstaff Spectral Theatre 3000 presents... BUILD YOUR OWN DESCRAMBLER AND JAMMER Whipstaff Manor, livingroom. The TRIO are sprawled on the couches. STRETCH: So what do you guys wanna do? FATSO: I dunno. What do *you* guys wanna do? STINKIE: I dunno. FATSO: Wanna go to the mall and haunt the fountain? STRETCH: Nah. STINKIE: Wanna go to Disneyworld and pretend the Pooh ride's been possessed by Mr. Toad? STRETCH: Nah. CASPER: (floating downstairs) Well, I'm all set to go. FATSO: Goin' to camp already? CASPER: Yep. Spooky and Poil are waiting for me. I'll see you guys in a couple months. STRETCH: Just be sure to touch all the plants you see. STINKIE: And feed the bears. FATSO: And disobey the counselors. CASPER: Um, right. Hey, you guys doing anything right now? STRETCH: (defensive) Are you insinuatin' we don't have nothin' to do? STINKIE: We're very busy ghosts, you know. FATSO: Yeah. Our dance cards are full. (STRETCH whaps him) CASPER: (starts to float towards the door) Oh well...nevermind then. (The TRIO leap up and surround CASPER.) STINKIE: Wait! I mean uh...you have a suggestion, or somethin'? STRETCH: Yeah, we could use a good laugh. FATSO: And a good therapist. CASPER: But you *have* a therapist. FATSO: I said a good therapist. CASPER: Dr. Harvey *is* a good therapist. (The TRIO cackle.) STINKIE: Hey, it *was* good for a laugh. STRETCH: Yeah, thanks Shortsheet. Now beat it. CASPER: But that's not it. Dr. Harvey wants you three to go to the lighthouse. STINKIE: The lighthouse? Why? CASPER: He says he has a new psychiatric technique he wants to try out. FATSO: On us? What do we look like, guinea pigs? STINKIE: *You* kinda look like a pig. STRETCH: What's he wanna do to us now? CASPER: I don't know, he wouldn't tell me. Neither would Kat. STRETCH: The Doc's got his obnoxious offspring to help him with this? STINKIE: Sounds interestin'. FATSO: Might be fun. STRETCH: (considers) Might be. POIL: (sticking her head in through the front door) C'mon, Casper! The bus is waitin'! STRETCH: Better get goin', Balloonhead. *We've* got an experiment to attend. CASPER: (heading for the door again) Okay. I just hope it isn't *too* experimental... (he exits, followed by POIL) STRETCH: (putting his arms around his brothers) All right boys, it looks like we've become test subjects. FATSO: Ooh! Do you think we'll get cheese? STRETCH: No but I might get cheesed *off*. FATSO: (looks at STINKIE) Maybe we'd better end the cheese comments now, while we're ahead. STINKIE: I don't have any idea what you're talkin' about. (burps) STRETCH: We'd better get movin'. Science waits for no corpse. (They exit through the ceiling) The Friendship Lighthouse. It is deserted, and all decked out with equipment such as cameras and monitors. There is a partition dividing the cabin into two 'rooms', the second being out of view. The TRIO arrive in the first room. FATSO: Someone saw Wargames. STINKIE: Look, Battleship! STRETCH: *No* Battleship. We're scientists now. We must be civillized. STINKIE: (disappointed) Okay. (hopefully) Rock-em-Sock-em Robots? STRETCH: (ignores him) Doc! Yo, Doc, where ya at? (A button on the counter flashes. The TRIO look at it.) STINKIE: What's that? FATSO: Push it. Maybe we'll get a pretty nurse. STRETCH: Now you're talkin'. (STRETCH pushes the button. The big monitor in front of them flickers on.) (on the monitor): Whipstaff Manor, Dr. Harvey's office. DR HARVEY, in an orange lab coat, stands next to a control panel bedecked with miriad winking lights and flashing buttons. DR HARVEY: Glad you boys could make it for our little experiment. [Light House] STRETCH: (blinks) Hey Doc, what's with the Halloween outfit? [Whipstaff Manor] DR HARVEY: (looks down at coat) Oh this. I accidentally left some Vitamin C tablets in the pocket when I washed it. KAT: (wandering into the shot) Dad just can't get going in the morning without Barney Rubble and friends. DR HARVEY: Oh, fellows, I want you to meet my assistant for this experiment, "TV's Kat". KAT: "TV's"? DR HARVEY: Well honey, we're on closed-circuit TV, and I thought you'd like a flashy name. Like..."Downtown" Julie Brown. [LH] FATSO: They're not goin' to show us bad music videos, are they? STINKIE: Do we *look* like Beavis and Butthead? FATSO: *You* kinda look like Beavis. STRETCH: What exactly is goin' on here, Doc? [WM] DR HARVEY: (puts a hand on the control panel) So glad you asked. This is something that, I theorize, will help me to help you three become happier and more content with your afterlives. [LH] STRETCH: What is it, a whiskey still? [WM] DR HARVEY: (flatly) No. These controls will send to you some pieces of text which you will read on the screen in the other room up there, and I will monitor your reactions. [LH] (The TRIO look at eachother.) STINKIE: So...you're givin' us homework? FATSO: (flings an arm over his eyes) Oh, the humanity!! Uh...sorta. [WM] DR HARVEY: Not quite. [LH] STINKIE: Well, is it painless? [WM] DR HARVEY: I...make no promises. [LH] STRETCH: Just where did you *get* these 'pieces of text', Doc? [WM] DR HARVEY: An excellent question. Kat provided me with them. She has been spending this summer...what do you call it, Kat? "Surfing the Net"? KAT: Right. And I kept running into these uh...pearls of wisdom, so to speak, scattered about. They'll let just about anybody on the Web, apparently. [LH] STRETCH: (deeply suspicious) Wait, so you're sendin' us *garbage* to read? How will that help us attain spiritual happiness? [WM] DR HARVEY: I never said it will. I said it will help *me* to figure out what it is that will help *you* be happy in the long run. KAT: (aside) Although it will make *me* happy right now. [LH] STINKIE: That makes sense. Right? FATSO: I dunno. I'm still waitin' for him to shout "Here come the judge!" STRETCH: Well what do we have to do? [WM] DR HARVEY: Just go in there and read. You have Email Sign! (KAT presses a large white button and the partition in the Lighthouse rolls aside.) [LH] STINKIE (floating into the theatre) I get the aisle seat! FATSO: (following him) Can we get some Good 'n Plentys? STRETCH: (following as well) I'm startin' to worry we might *get* good 'n plenty *something*... [In the 'theatre'] FATSO: These seats are too small. STINKIE: Down in front! STRETCH: *We're* in the front, reject. STINKIE: I just felt like sayin' that. (SFX: Horrendous ripping noise as FATSO removes the divider between two seats) FATSO: That's better. STINKIE: Hope the Doc isn't rentin' these. STRETCH: Pipe down, you two, it's startin'. > Subject: Build Your Own Descrambler and Jammer > Date: Sat, 30 Oct 1999 21:25:53 -0700 > From: cable22@hello.to FATSO: Hello. > NOTE: THIS IS AN ADVERTISEMENT FOR LEGAL STRETCH: HA! TV > DE-SCRAMBLER AND RADAR JAMMER FATSO: Scrambled TV and Radar Jam? I'll have two. IF YOU HAVE > NO INTEREST IN STRETCH: Punctuation. THIS INFORMATION > PLEASE CLICK DELETE NOW. THANK YOU-- TRIO: Welcome! STINKIE: It didn't work. STRETCH: Rats. > Build your own Descrambler and Jammer FATSO: The easy 12-Step program! > LEGAL STRETCH: *Snort* CABLE TV DE-SCRAMBLER AND A FREE RADAR JAMMER STINKIE: Call within the next three seconds and receive 'Tombs and Pharohs' at no additional charge. > Want to watch Sporting Events?--Movies?--Pay-Per-View?? STRETCH: Hell no. > *This is the Famous R-D-O Shack TV Descrambler STINKIE: Rats Don't Oscillate? STRETCH: Randy Does Opium? FATSO: Right Said Fred! (STRETCH hits him) > You can assemble it from R-D-O Shack parts for about $12 or $15. STINKIE: About the same amount a standard soul goes for these days. > We Give You: STRETCH: I hope it's a tank of gas and a ten-minute head start. > E-Z To follow Assembly Instructions. > E-Z To read Original Drawings. FATSO: So E-Z, utillizin' the entire alphabet becomes obsolete. > The Famous R-D-O Shack Parts List. STRETCH: As seen on Jerry Springer. STINKIE: [Mr. T] Gimme my Shackparts, foo'! > PLUS SOMETHING NEW YOU MUST HAVE! > > Something you can't do without. STRETCH: (confused) A...spleen? FATSO: A coronary! STINKIE: This final exam is hard. > THE UP-TO-DATE REPORT: USING A DESCRAMBLER LEGALLY FATSO: There's only one use I can think of right now. STRETCH: Let's not go there. > Warning: You should not build a TV Descrambler without > reading this report first. STINKIE: Yeah, one should be properly numb before attemptin' to construct a piece of illegal hardware. > Frequently Asked Questions STRETCH: Are you still servin' breakfast? STINKIE: Where's the bathroom? FATSO: Ya want fries with that? --CABLE TV DESCRAMBLER > Q: Will the descrambler work on Fiber, TCI, Jarrod * > and satellite systems? STRETCH: No. Aren't you ashamed of yourself? > A: The answer is YES. In respect to satellite, > you just get more stuff! FATSO: Stuff? What *kind* of stuff? STINKIE: You know...stuff. There is one exception: > The descrambler will not work with DSS satellite. STRETCH: Well screw you then! > Q: Do I need a converter box? > A: This plan works with or without a converter box. FATSO: It's so E-Z it's wacky! > Specific instructions are included in the plans for each! STRETCH: Just don't get them mixed up. The universe might implode. > Q: Can the cable company detect that I have the descrambler? > A: No, the signal descrambles right at the box and does > not move back through the line! STINKIE: Whew. For a second there I was afraid Jim Carrey might go berzerk and break down our door. > Q: Do I have to alter my existing cable system, > television or VCR? > A: The answer is no! STRETCH: No shirt. STINKIE: No shoes. FATSO: No wonder they have to do this through email. > Q: Does this work with my remote control? > A: The answer is yes. The descrambler is > manually controlled--but very easy to use! STRETCH: Because God forbid you should have to touch *anything*. > Q: Does this work everywhere across the country? > A: Yes, every where in the USA plus England, > Brazil, Canada and other countries! FATSO: Yes, we can rip you off in 77 different languages! > Q: When I order, when will I get my stuff? STRETCH: You won't. Oh I'm sorry, did we forget to mention that? > A: Immediately. Once your card has been aproved you > will gain immediate access to download the information. STINKIE: Is an eight-second window long enough? > Q: How do I order? > A: Simply call the toll free number below and * > place your order 24 > hours a day. STRETCH: All 24. No breaks, now. > BONUS: Order Now and get plans for building your own > RADAR JAMMER FREE!!!! (A $19.95 value). FATSO: Its Def Radar Jam! STRETCH & STINKIE: (apechant) > These plans include easy to follow instructions and diagrams > for building your own radar jammer. > > NEVER get another speeding ticket again!!! STINKIE: Because it's hard to speed in the excercise yard. > Why pay hundreds of dollars for these devises > when you can build your own for around 12-15 dollars. FATSO: Yeah, no sense in going broke over a simple arrest. > To order call 24 hours a day > 1-888-736-0868 > > ONLY 14.95 for both the easy to follow > CABLE DESCRAMBLER plans and the RADAR JAMMER plans. > > This mailing is done by an independent marketing co. STRETCH: AKA 'Skulk-Around-In-Corners' Enterprises. > We apologize TRIO: Too late. if this message has reached you in error. > Save the Planet, Save the Trees! STRETCH: By stealing cable and dodging cops? FATSO: Police use up valuable resources, you know. STINKIE: Only you would equate crullers with coal and oil. Advertise > via E mail. No wasted paper! STRETCH: And no useful products. It just works out. Delete with > one simple keystroke! Less refuse in our Dumps! > This is the new way of new millenium! STINKIE: Uh oh. A thousand years of this? FATSO: Did anyone keep that door-to-door exorcist's business card? > To be removed from future mailing reply to this email STINKIE: With a well-aimed hatchet. > NOTE: THIS IS AN ADVERTISEMENT FOR LEGAL STRETCH: *Snicker* TV > > DE-SCRAMBLER AND RADAR JAMMER IF YOU HAVE > > NO INTEREST IN THIS INFORMATION TRIO: ... STINKIE: Uh. STRETCH: It's over? FATSO: I think it broke. STRETCH: Thank goodness. I was contemplatin' gnawin' my hand off. Not sure why. (The TRIO exit the theatre.) [LH] STRETCH: Doc! Yo Doc, the picture-show's over. STINKIE: It was horrible! The things they wanted us to do! FATSO: No one should have to sit through somethin' like that without munchies to alleviate the tension. STRETCH: Doc? You there? [WM] KAT: No but I am. Dad had to step out. [LH] STRETCH: (irritated) Well tell that fleshie psychopath to keep his experiments to himself from now on. That thing nearly killed us...again. (FATSO and STINKIE nod.) [WM] KAT: Sorry guys. But that was just a warmup. Dad's uploading the next experiment to you now. [LH] TRIO: What?? FATSO: There's more? STINKIE: I don't think I can take it. I have a delicate psyche, you know. STRETCH: (to KAT) I don't see any reason for us to agree to be tortured by a coupla bonebags when we *could* be at home while Casper waits on us hand and-- TRIO: (look at eachother) Camp. STINKIE: Uh oh. FATSO: Yeah--what's the point in goin' home now? STRETCH: (grumbles) [WM] KAT: (picking up the phone) Well, I *could* call Dad and stop him-- [LH] TRIO: No!! STRETCH: Uh, we mean...in the interest of science, we could spare a teeny bit of our time. But then we have to get right back to our schedules. We're in demand, you know. FATSO: Yeah, the chicks at the candy store can't get enough of me. STINKIE: They're in luck, then. STRETCH: Tell the Doc we'll be waitin' for his next installation. STINKIE: Tell the Doc to make it a good--er, a bad one. FATSO: Tell the Doc to order pizza. [WM] DR HARVEY: (enters the shot) Well, I see we survived the first experiment...er, as it were. KAT: (whispers) Are you sure we should be doing this? I mean, isn't it cruel? DR HARVEY: Sometimes we must be cruel to be kind. Besides, it keeps them out of the pool. Push the button, Kat. KAT: (aside) I knew I should have gone to Mollusk Camp. (She pushes the button.) --------------------------- DISCLAIMER/CREDITS: Casper and related characters are owned by the Harvey Entertainment Group and used without permission. Whipstaff Manor and James and Kat Harvey are copyright Universal Pictures and used without permission. Mystery Science Theatre is copyright Best Brains, Inc, and the concept was used without permission. "Build Your Own Descrambler and Jammer" is an unsolicited spammail I found in my inbox and used without permission, but you don't see me caring, now do you? ;) This MST was written by Sparky Read (sparky@theneitherworld.com), 1999. Keep circulating the posts, or something. > A: The answer is no!