Real Monsters...the Movie

ACT I: SCENE I FADE IN: INT SHOT--A SEWER. NIGHT. The moon shines through an open manhole to illuminate four men in orange construction uniforms. All wear miner's helmets. The FOREMAN is standing knee-deep in the sewage, examining a blueprint, which we only see the back of. The three WORKERS are standing off to one side of the water on the curb, talking. WORKER #3 eats a candy bar. WORKER #1 So we're already forty minutes late, and now she says to me, she says, I don't like this outfit; wait here, I'm gonna go change. I says, change into what? And for this I'm in the dog house? OBLINA slithers over the curb at WORKER #2's feet and into the sewage. WORKER #2 (OS) Man, you got it rough. WORKER #3 You call that rough? Harry's got it made! With his old lady out of the picture, he can go party with the rest of us bachelor-types! Right Harry? WORKER #1 I don't know. Mae doesn't like it when I go out at night... ICKIS's shadow looms briefly behind WORKER #3, then darts away. WORKER #3 Listen to this! WORKER #2 It's the old ball and chain excuse. FOREMAN All right, you wallflowers, break's over. Get back to work. The three WORKERS grumble and pull measuring tapes and notepads from their pockets. WORKER #3 throws his candy wrapper in the sewage and it is pulled underneath immediately. The WORKERS begin measuring the walls, ceilings, and curbs and writing their results in their notepads. WORKER #1 You know, Gordon, you don't have to stand right in. ..that. FOREMAN I'll stand wherever I--what's that smell? WORKER #1 clears his throat and points to the sewage. FOREMAN No, I mean that really disgusting smell. ..Charlie, was that you? WORKERS #2 and #3 pull faces of disgust as the smell hits them. WORKER #3 No, it wasn't me! Why do I always get blamed? WORKER #2 'Cause there ain't no dog here. KRUMM climbs out of the water onto the curb, and WORKER #3 measures him. WORKER #3 Har har--Aughhhhhh! KRUMM (laughs) WORKER #3 backs up into WORKERS #1 and #2. OBLINA hangs upside-down from a pipe in front of WORKERS #1 and #2. OBLINA (snarls) WORKERS (scream) FOREMAN What are you jokers yelling-- The FOREMAN turns around to see ICKIS, standing shoulder-deep in the sewage. FOREMAN (CONT'D) --at? The FOREMAN drops the blueprint. ICKIS's eyes turn red and he starts swelling in size, until his head touches the ceiling. He bears his fangs. ICKIS (roars) ACT I: SCENE II CUT TO: EXT SHOT--A DESERTED CITY STREET. NIGHT. The picture is slightly grainy. The three WORKERS and the FOREMAN scramble out of a manhole and run screaming down the street, looking back over their shoulders. The picture suddenly freezes on a closeup of WORKER #3's terrified expression. There is the sound of a crowd cheering. We pull back from the picture, which is on the Viewfinder, and pan to the right, over half of an auditorium full of cheering monsters. OBLINA, KRUMM, and ICKIS are strapped together in the chair on the other side of the room. The chair releases them and they head down the aisle, smiling and waving at everybody. OBLINA throws kisses and ICKIS brandishes his trophy, the rolled-up blueprint. The class falls silent as OBLINA, KRUMM, and ICKIS take their seats at the front of the class. ICKIS Well? What do you think? OBLINA A simply marvelous scare, don't you think? KRUMM That's gotta be worth at least a 'C.' ICKIS and OBLINA glare at KRUMM. The GROMBLE steps up to the Viewfinder and briefly examines the frozen picture, then walks slowly over to where OBLINA, KRUMM, and ICKIS are sitting. GROMBLE Well, Ickis, I think you're finally beginning to show a little gumption. You need to start taking a stand for yourself. ICKIS Well sir, I tried to-- GROMBLE Quiet! And Oblina, as always, your scare has touched me, here. (puts a hand over his stomach) OBLINA Thank you, sir. OBLINA, KRUMM, and ICKIS beam proudly at one another. GROMBLE And you, Krumm... KRUMM Oh boy. GROMBLE You... You are a disgrace to this entire Academy! Standing around while your collegues do all the scaring! KRUMM But... But I smell! GROMBLE You mean you stink! Krumm, you've slacked off in my class all term! I want to see some active scares from you this week, or I will have no choice but to send you to the Snorch's chambers for an extended holiday--do I make myself clear? The SNORCH, from his seat high in the auditorium, stands up and looks down at KRUMM. SNORCH (growls) KRUMM Y-yes, Your Grombleness, sir. GROMBLE. Good. (he walks away) (OS) Now, all you little festering pustules, get out your Monster Manuals and turn to page two-hundred-seventeen. It's time for a little history! CLASS (groans) KRUMM pulls a Monster Manual from behind the table and opens it. ICKIS (to KRUMM) Don't worry, buddy. We'll help you make a scare. OBLINA We can't do that, lckis--you know the rule for special assignments. He's supposed to do his homework alone. Now stop talking in class or we'll all get sent to the Snorch. ICKIS sits quietly for a couple of seconds, then makes a funnel with the blueprint. He speaks through it over KRUMM's head to OBLINA. ICKIS Pilot to co-pilot, we have an emergency, over. OBLINA (giggling and grabbing end of blueprint) Let me see the human thingie, Ickis. ICKIS No--I found it! KRUMM puts both eyes in one hand and grabs the blueprint away from ICKIS and OBLINA with his free hand. KRUMM You guys! You're gonna get in trouble! GROMBLE (slapping a ruler on KRUMM's book) Krumm! You just can't wait to see the Snorch, can you? KRUMM Huh? But I-- GROMBLE (snatching the blueprint) And what is so much more fascinating than my carefully prepared lecture on the human fixation with monster idols, pray tell? KRUMM Uh...Nothing? ICKIS Good answer. TEACHER'S AIDE (belches loudly) The GROMBLE pulls a watch from his belt and frowns at it. GROMBLE Class dismissed. KRUMM Woah. A belch in time. All the students begin filing out of the auditorium. The GROMBLE stops KRUMM, and ICKIS and OBLINA stop to wait for him. GROMBLE Oh, Krumm--l'll be expecting your homework tomorrow. KRUMM ...Tomorrow? OBLINA Sir, concerning Krumm's assignment, I believe you said 'this week.' GROMBLE So I did. But I changed my mind. ICKIS You can't do that! GROMBLE Are you questioning my authority as Headmaster of this Academy, Ickis? ICKIS Uh...No sir, no, I would never dream of doing anything... remotely... like that. Never. No way. Not in a million years--unless, of course, you wanted me to-- GROMBLE Shut up! ICKIS --Anything you say. GROMBLE (to KRUMM) Tomorrow. (he walks back towards the center of the auditorium) OBLINA (sighing, to ICKIS and KRUMM) Let us go. OBLINA, KRUMM, and ICKIS leave the auditorium after the other students. The GROMBLE unrolls the sewage-spattered blueprint, and we see only the back of it again. The camera drifts forward so that the blueprint encompasses the entire picture, with only the GROMBLE's gloves visible on the edges. GROMBLE (OS) Human art is so lacking in nausea. ACT I: SCENE III INT SHOT--BLUEPRINT. DAY. The close up of the back of the blueprint dissolves to the close-up of the back of an identical blueperint, with human hands holding it. We pull back. INT SHOT--PRESS CONFERENCE ROOM. DAY. This is the inside of a press conference room. The blueprint is held by SNYDER. He is looking very impatient. There is a brown attache case on the floor at his feet. MAYOR LINDT stands next to him. MAYOR I apologize for the delay, Mr. Snyder. SNYDER Your workers were supposed to finish those measurements last night! I can't believe the incompetence...Well, you'd better think of something quick. MAYOR ...Something? SNYDER To tell the press! (he checks his watch) They'll be here any minute. MAYOR The press, yes...They may ask questions. SNYDER Of course they'll ask questions, Lindt, they're the press! (he rolls up the blueprint) MAYOR Maybe we should show them the blueprint. SNYDER (clutching blueprint protectively) No! --I mean, not yet. Not after...the delay. EXECUTIVE (walking in a side door) The press is here, Mayor Lindt. MAYOR Well, let them in. MAYOR LINDT steps up to the podium. SNYDER picks up his attache case and sits in a chair behind the podium as members of the PRESS enter through the double front doors. At the head of the crowd is SANDY CANDY and her cameraman, REED, a teenager in a casual business suit. The Channel 10 logo is on REED's camera and on CANDY's microphone. MAYOR Welcome, members of the press. Pictures snap. MAYOR I suppose you're all wondering why I called this press conference-- CANDY Come on, Lindt, cut the stand-up routine. I've got really important stories to cover. MAYOR Certainly, Miss Candy. I'd like to indroduce-- At this point EXPOSA VIRTOY stumbles in, alone. She has only a notepad, and a microphone with the Channel 4 logo which isn't attached to anything. She immediately elbows her way rudely to the podium and stands near CANDY, then angrily stuffs the mic into her purse. A long length of cord trails from it to the floor. MAYOR Once again, I'd like to introduce Mr. Aaron Snyder. Mr. Snyder is an acclaimed architecht. REPORTER FOR DAILY DISPATCH Isn't that the guy who designed all those really weird buildings on Lornlee Drive? VIRTOY Weird? They're grotesque. SNYDER They're gothic, madame. VIRTOY (to CANDY) Grotesque. MAYOR Oh no no no, he only designed the outsides of those. Now, Mr. Snyder has drafted a plan for a new revised sewer system that will be many times cleaner and more efficient than the old system... REED A clean sewer? MAYOR And now I present to you, Mr. Aaron Snyder. MAYOR LINDT claps enthusiastically as he sits in a chair. The PRESS is silent. SNYDER takes the podium. SNYDER Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. What I propose is a sewer system that will virtually end our city's rodent problem and decrease our water bills by as much as thirty percent... VIRTOY (scribbling in notepad) Mr. Snyder, how much will all this cost the taxpayers? SNYDER Undetermined. However, the amount of work required will be less than previously expected. VIRTOY (scribbling) Can you explain the sudden refusal of four city workers to reenter the sewers after a...disturbance beneath Central last night? SNYDER I assure you, there was no disturbance. Merely a slight delay in-- REPORTER FOR DAILY DISPATCH Mr. Snyder, my husband is one of those four workers in question and if he says there was a disturbance, there was a disturbance. SNYDER (frowns) And you are..? REPORTER FOR DAILY DISPATCH Mae Weather. SNYDER Well Mrs. Weather, while I'm sure your husband is a fine upstanding citizen, I-- WEATHER Harry says there are...monsters...in the sewer. PRESS (chuckles) CANDY (to VIRTOY) Sounds like your kind of story, Exposa dear. SNYDER (genuinely startled) ...Monsters? (to MAYOR) Why didn't you tell me about this? (to PRESS) Don't be ridiculous. There are no such thing as monsters. MAYOR It was probably...swamp gas. SNYDER Yes it was probably-- (stops and glares at MAYOR) VIRTOY (scribbling) Mr. Snyder, how many members are there in your architechtural team? SNYDER Currently, one: me. VIRTOY Mayor Lindt, do you mean to say that you have approved a plan without a second professional opinion? MAYOR (standing) ...There is one more advantage to Mr. Snyder's plan. The new sewer system will only take up a fraction of the space required by the current system. VIRTOY And what does that mean for the city? MAYOR It means, Miss Virtoy, that by the year 2010, construction of a citywide expansion could begin. PRESS (murmuring) CANDY An underground city? REED Wow, real sci-fi stuff. MAYOR I'm afraid that's all the time we have. Good day. SNYDER picks up the rolled-up blueprint and his attache case. MAYOR LINDT and SNYDER leave the room through a back door amid vainly-asked questions and photo snaps. Once they are gone, the members of the PRESS begin to leave through the front doors. CANDY (pointing at VIRTOY's notepad) You're back to the basics, I see. VIRTOY Oh good. It's Sandy Candy, every home's favorite reporter. CANDY That's what the surveys say. VIRTOY I see you're accompanied by your faithless sidekick, Suck-Up Boy. REED ...Sandy! CANDY Shut up, Reed. Why Exposa, where could your competent camera crew be? VIRTOY They're...on special assignment. EXT SHOT--Outside City Hall. Day. CANDY, REED, and VIRTOY begin to descend the steps. CANDY Of course they are. Well, it's too bad you'll have no footage to run on today's press conference. REED hands CANDY a hand mirror. CANDY (examining teeth in mirror) I will have plenty. I guess I made a better choice when we were choosing interns. Two heads are not always better than one. VIRTOY Your roots are showing. CANDY gasps in horror and claws at the top of her head, searching the mirror for flaws, REED trying to assist her and getting shoved away. VIRTOY walks down to the bottom of the steps alone. A newsvan with the Channel 4 logo pulls up to the curb. VIRTOY (under breath) You're going to pay for this, oh yes you are. SHEILA KRUNTZ gets out of the van on the driver's side. SAM KRUNTZ gets out of the back, holding a Channel 4 camera. VIRTOY Well well well. SHEILA Hi Exposa. SAM Hey Exposa--bet you can't guess what we've been doing. VIRTOY You got that right. SHEILA Sam and I stumbled upon the story of the year. VIRTOY Did you, Sheila dear? What was it? SHEILA We just interviewed a lady with a thirty-five year old cat. VIRTOY Thirty-five? SAM Do you know how old that is in human years? That's like...old. SHEILA (taking a tape out of SAM's camera) Here's the interview. You want to show it tonight? VIRTOY No, why don't you keep that. SAM Don't you even want to see it? VIRTOY Listen, girls--When I brought you on as interns, I was expecting...well, a little more. SHEILA Like what? VIRTOY Like being MY camera crew! You're supposed to be with ME! Now I've lost another story to that artificial blonde Sandy Candy! (sighs) I can't believe I dropped out of architecht school for this... SHEILA Well, it's just that... VIRTOY What? It's just that what? SAM We just wanted to find a big story. VIRTOY sees a coin-operated vending machine on the curb for the Daily Dispatch. The headline of the paper inside says: 'I Married Simon the Monster Hunter!' There is a picture of SIMON looking really stupid. VIRTOY ...You want a big story? The TWINS nod. VIRTOY Have I got a story for you. ACT II: SCENE I INT SHOT--DORM ROOM (IN SEWER). DAY. A dorm room at the Monster Academy. ICKIS is lying on his bed while OBLINA lounges on the couch. KRUMM is on his way out the door. ICKIS Hey Krumm, where you going? I thought we could play a little sewerball..? OBLINA Ickis, Krumm has homework! KRUMM Yeah. I don't want to get Snorched. ICKIS Oh, you've got plenty of time. Come on, sewerball! KRUMM Homework. ICKIS Sewerball! KRUMM Homework. ICKIS Sewerball! OBLINA Oh, leave him alone, Ickis. You can't play sewerball today, anyway. ICKIS Why not? OBLINA Haven't you heard? The sewers are crawling with humans. KRUMM Humans in the sewers? OBLINA You know, like the ones we scared last night. ICKIS Gee, after our great scare, you'd think they wouldn't come back. OBLINA Well they have, and now we'd better stay here at the Academy until they go away. ICKIS But I want to play sewerball! OBLINA Well you can't, Ickis! KRUMM How am I supposed to do my homework if there's humans all over the place? OBLINA Krummy! That's it! There are enough humans around here to keep the Gromble happy for months! ICKIS Yeah! We'll go scare the humans away, then we can ALL play sewerball! OBLINA Ickis, you have a one-track mind. ICKIS Thanks. ICKIS, OBLINA, and KRUMM leave the room and head down the hallway. The sound of a crowd gets louder the further they go down the hall. OBLINA Now Krumm, the secret to a good scare is originality. ICKIS Yeah Krumm--watch me, I'll show you. OBLINA Oh, no! Ickis, your scares are about as original as nine-day-old peas porridge! KRUMM I like old peas porridge. ICKIS Hey, I'm a loomer! It's what I do, I loom! They have reached the edge of a large gathering of STUDENTS, who are talking and laughing. OBLINA Oh, sure, and it's SO original too--what's this? KRUMM Looks like there's a line for the human-scaring. SNIV and SNAV, a pair of students, are at the front of the crowd. They have propped an old TV set up against the wall and are fiddling with it. ICKIS Look, a human picture-box. OBLINA Picture-boxes are NOT allowed on school grounds! Someone's going to get Snorched for this. A student puts the end of the power cord in her mouth and the TV switches on. The Ricki Lake show flickers onto the screen. ICKIS Oh boy, it works. OBLINA Ickis! Watching picture-boxes will disentegrate your brain! KRUMM Really? Gruel. KRUMM and ICKIS fight their way to the front of the crowd. OBLINA reluctantly follows them. RICKI LAKE Welcome back to Ricki Lake's Most Disturbed! If you're just joining us, we're showing clips from previous shows where we featured real whackos. AUDIENCE (claps) RICKI Next we have a clip from an episode filmed five months ago. Yes, it's none other than Simon the Monster Hunter! AUDIENCE (claps) RICKI Roll the clip! The clip rolls: SIMON sits on the panel alone, surrounded by weird equipment and drawings of monsters. RICKI paces up and down in front of him. The AUDIENCE is silent. RICKI So Simon, what you're saying is that there are real monsters? SIMON That is correct. RICKI And they live in our city's sewers? SIMON In city sewers all over the world, correct. RICKI And they travel through our toilets? SIMON That's right, Miss Lake. RICKI Well, I'm never going to the bathroom again. AUDIENCE (laughs) RICKI Seriously, Simon--if that's your real name--What's your political stand? SIMON Beg pardon? RICKI Come on, Simon, I know what you're really doing is trying to infiltrate the government. SIMON No, I really hunt monsters. RICKI Uh huh. So what you're saying is that there really are Nazi conspirators trying to bring back the Reagan Administration? AUDIENCE Ooo. SIMON NO. Look, I hunt monsters. That's all. You don't seem to realize the importance of my research, Miss Lake. RICKI Don't I? (she turns to the AUDIENCE) Ladies and gentlemen, I expose this man to be an international vigilante assassin! AUDIENCE Ahh... (they applaud) SIMON (standing up) No no no! Quiet! The AUDIENCE is quiet. SIMON I am a monster hunter. I know monsters exist. I've seen them. I had photographic evidence once--I even captured Bigfoot--but they're both gone now. It's a conspiracy! The monsters--they're everywhere! They want to take over--to destroy us! RICKI stares at SIMON in silence. SIMON I--I even had a monster in my brain! It was disgusting...ugh--the memories! (he clutches his head painfully) RICKI Simon, this is amazing. So you really hunt monsters? SIMON Yes. RICKI And you say that the monsters want to take over our human world, and you may be the only one who can save us from total domination, perhaps even death? SIMON Yes! RICKI Simon...you're crazy. RICKI and the AUDIENCE laugh hysterically. SIMON (flailing his arms) You'll see! I'll show all of you! I'll have proof! I'll be the first! You won't laugh then! The clip freezes on a close-up of the raving SIMON. Cut to monster STUDENTS watching TV. AUDIENCE ON TV (laughs) STUDENTS (laugh) ICKIS (laughing) Simon sure cracks me up. KRUMM Yeah. He's a scream. OBLINA It's not funny. SNIV Hey, the picture's getting messed up. Fix it, Snav! SNAV I'm trying... SNIV Here--let me do it. SNAV No! SNIV messes with the antenna and the channel changes. STUDENTS Sniv! SNIV Oops. The TV picture is of the front steps of City Hall. SANDY CANDY beams into the camera. CANDY And so work will continue in the sewers despite the recent setbacks as Aaron Snyder's plan springs into action. This story and more brought to you tonight on Channel 10 News, home of America's favorite broadcasting team! This is Sandy Candy, live, on location. The TV goes to a soap commercial. STUDENTS Ewwww... OBLINA This is ghastly! KRUMM No kidding. Soap freaks me out. OBLINA Not that, Krumm! The humans will be down here for a long time, perhaps a very long time! ICKIS No sewerball? OBLINA It's out of the question. ICKIS (gasps) Somebody's gotta do something! OBLINA Hmm...it seems to me that the humans' leader is up to something. Perhaps it has something to do with that human picture you found, Ickis. Unnoticed by OBLINA, ICKIS, and KRUMM, all the other STUDENTS suddenly see something OS and run off, leaving the TV (powerless without the student who had been chewing its cord). ICKIS Uh oh. I hope the Gromble doesn't find out about this. The GROMBLE stps up behind ICKIS, the rolled-up blueprint in his hand. GROMBLE Too late, Ickis. ICKIS (screams) Your Grombleness! How are you? The GROMBLE seizes ICKIS by the ear with his free hand. GROMBLE Ickis! Oblina! Krumm! Show me where you found this human item. OBLINA But sir, the sewers-- GROMBLE NOW! ICKIS twists free and he, OBLINA, and KRUMM hurry down a corridor, the GROMBLE following. ACT II: SCENE II INT SHOT--COMPLETE DARKNESS. OBLINA's eyes shine visibly. OBLINA This is not the way, Ickis. ICKIS's eyes fade in. ICKIS Is so. Don't you see? OBLINA It is pitch black, how CAN I see? KRUMM's eyes come into view. KRUMM Hey guys, I don't recognize anything. Are we lost? OBLINA I don't know. Why don't you ask Mr. "I know the way guys, follow me" over there? KRUMM I can't see him. ICKIS Someone must have closed that round door in the ceiling. The GROMBLE's eyes loom over ICKIS's eyes. GROMBLE Ickis, I'm losing patience... ICKIS This is it, sir, I'm sure of it! Light streams down from above as someone on the street slides the manhole cover aside. INT SHOT--SEWER. DAY. OBLINA (looking around) Hey...you were right, Icky, I think this IS the place. ICKIS Told you. GROMBLE Get out of sight! There are humans coming! The four monsters duck around the corner as SNYDER climbs down the ladder, carrying his attache case. SNYDER I must insist on absolute confidentiality in this matter. You do understand, don't you? SIMON climbs down after SNYDER. There is quite a lot of weird equipment strapped to SIMON's back, and he has a duffel bag slung over his shoulder. SIMON Of course I do! What kind of idiot do you take me for? SNYDER I don't know, how many kinds are there? SIMON Oh, Mr. Big Shot's a comedian, too. SNYDER I'll ignore that last remark. Now--this is where...IT occurred. SIMON Very well. Then this-- (he drops his duffel bag with a loud clang) is where I shall remain! SIMON begins unloading his strange-looking equipment. SNYDER I want you to make absolutely sure that this kind of thing does not happen again. If you really are a monster expert-- SIMON Believe me, I am the only person who truly understands the World of the Monster. SNYDER Yes, well, I know a thing or two about monsters myself. How they learn to scare humans... The four monsters glance at eachother. SNYDER (CONT'D) ...the methods they use--Are you sure that all this fancy equipment of yours is necessary? SIMON Oh yes--very necessary. To do...monster...related...stuff. SNYDER Very well, carry on. I'm going to return to the Capitol Building--are you certain you've got everything under control? SIMON waves distractedly at SNYDER as he sets up a tripod. SNYDER climbs back up the ladder with his attache case. GROMBLE This is worse than I expected. I will go to the human leader's building to keep an eye on that Snyder human--you three watch Simon. ICKIS Watch Simon? But he's a monster hunter! OBLINA Sir, perhaps this is too dangerous. KRUMM I don't think we should do it. GROMBLE (sighs) Very well...I'll give you extra credit. ICKIS Oh boy! OBLINA Fabulous! KRUMM Okay. GROMBLE Good. The GROMBLE swims out of sight back the way the monsters had come. KRUMM Well, now what do we do? ICKIS I guess we watch Simon. OBLINA Ugh...Human-watching. Such a distasteful pasttime. SIMON is talking to himself. SIMON ...Thinks he's so highbrow...I'm important too! I'm Simon the Monster Hunter! I've been on Ricki Lake! What's he done? Designed buildings that look like LEGO sets, that's what. Voices begin to echo their way down the sewer. SHEILA (OS) Sam! You're supposed to point the camera at me! SAM (OS) I am! When did you get those shoes? KRUMM What's that? OBLINA More humans. ICKIS Greaaat. SAM and SHEILA round the bend to stumble upon SIMON and his equipment. SAM (pointing) Look! We found him! SIMON Hey! What do you kids think you're doing? SHEILA Interviewing Simon, the Great Monster Hunter! So, Simon--What were your parents really like? (she sticks her mic in SIMON's face) We see SIMON's face and the mic through the camera's viewfinder. SIMON My...parents? SHEILA (OS) Is it true that you once tied your dog to the radiator and he caught fire and you had to put him out with your greatgrandmother's priceless Civil War quilt? SIMON Who sent you kids here? SHEILA (OS) Exposa Virtoy. We no longer see through the camera. SIMON ...That cranky old cow of a reporter? SHEILA Yeah, that's her. SAM She said you were the biggest story in town. SIMON (puffing up) Well, yes, I am rather...lofty. But how did you know where to find me? I'm on a secret mission. SHEILA We followed you. SAM (nudging SHEILA) No, Sheila! We're reporters! We tailed him. SHEILA Oh yeah. We tailed you. When we saw you going down this manhole, we went down the next one over. SIMON (pauses) How much of my conversation with Snyder did you hear? SAM Oh, I got it on tape. We were right over there. (she points back the way they had come) SIMON Did you get his face? SAM Yeah. SIMON licks his lips. He points to the camera. SIMON Is that the tape there? SAM Yeah, why? SIMON Oh, no reason. (he smiles broadly) So--how would you lovely ladies like an exclusive interview with me? SAM AND SHEILA Yeah! SIMON Oh---but...do you think I could get a copy? For my mother, you know. SHEILA Well...this is the tape with our cat interview. SAM We'll have to edit it and then we'll mail it to you, okay? SIMON Well-- SHEILA (thrusting mic in SIMON's face again) So--how old were you exactly when you went on your first date? SIMON Girls girls--I have a real interview for you. All about how (grabbing mic and looking in camera) Aaron Snyder--that's S-N-Y-D-E-R--is paying me, Simon the Monster Hunter, to exterminate monsters--nudge nudge--in the sewers... OBLINA Exterminate? SHEILA Monsters? You mean there are real monsters here in the sewers? SIMON That's right. SAM You mean...they could be watching us, right now? SIMON Exactly. SAM AND SHEILA (laugh) SIMON It's not funny! There are monsters, and they're dangerous! We see through the camera again. SIMON Look--I was hired by Aaron Snyder to erradicate the pests so they don't interfere with the construction of his new sewer system. We no longer see through the camera. OBLINA We'd better do something! Follow me. SHEILA (sighs) Everybody knows there are no such things as monsters-- ICKIS knocks over the tripod and it crashes to the ground. The three humans look, and SAM gets the startled monsters on tape. ICKIS Oops. OBLINA They've pointed their picture-taker at us! KRUMM Run! SIMON It's them! It's the monsters! SIMON grabs a large net and lunges after OBLINA. OBLINA (screams) SAM AND SHEILA Monsters? ICKIS's eyes turn red, and, bearing his fangs, he quickly puffs up to giant size. SIMON throws his net over OBLINA. ICKIS (roars) SAM AND SHEILA (scream) SIMON (yells) SAM drops the camera, and SIMON freezes to stare in horror at ICKIS. OBLINA throws the net off of herself and runs away from SIMON. OBLINA Krumm! The picture-taker! Get the picture-taker! ICKIS shrinks. SAM backs up and clutches SHEILA as KRUMM runs over to the camera. KRUMM puts both eyes in his mouth and starts to pick up the camera. SHEILA Hey! Our camera! KRUMM accidentally presses the eject button, and the door on the camera opens. The tape falls out. ICKIS (gasps) It's the picture-taker's brain! SIMON The tape! SIMON runs towards KRUMM with the net. ICKIS Krumm, look out! OBLINA stretches herself along the curb and SIMON trips over her, landing in the sewage. KRUMM drops the camera and grabs the tape instead. KRUMM, ICKIS, and OBLINA run off screen. SIMON (getting up) No! Not the tape! Come back here, you--you monsters! SIMON runs after the monsters with his net. SAM and SHEILA let go of eachother, and SAM slowly picks up the camera. SAM Sheila, those were monsters! SHEILA I know, I know! SAM And we got them on tape! SHEILA Yeah, but then they took it. SAM Oh yeah. SAM (she closes the camera door) So what do we do? We've lost everything. SHEILA No--I think we've just discovered the story of the century. Sam--what did Simon say that name of that guy he's working for was? SAM Uh...Snyder. Aaron Snyder. SHEILA Right! So we'll go talk to him. He'll know what's going on. SAM Okay. SAM and SHEILA begin to climb up the ladder. ACT III: SCENE I FADE IN: INT SHOT--AUDITORIUM. DAY. The STUDENTS sit in their seats, waiting for class to begin. ICKIS and OBLINA each hold one end of the stolen video tape while KRUMM sits in the middle, watching silently. OBLINA Ickis--give it to me! ICKIS No! You'll give it to the Gromble! OBLINA That is the point, Ickis! ICKIS But he'll give it to the Librarian and she'll play the pictures for him and he'll see how we let the humans catch us on ther picture-taker! OBLINA But he'll also be glad that we got the picture-taker's brain away from them! ICKIS But he'll be mad! OBLINA And glad! ICKIS Mad! OBLINA Glad! ICKIS Mad! OBLINA (wrenches the tape away from ICKIS) Fine! Let us be fair about this. Krumm, you got the brain away from the humans, you decide what to do with it. KRUMM Okay. KRUMM eats the tape. OBLINA Krumm! ICKIS Nice move, buddy. TEACHER'S AIDE (belches loudly) All the STUDENTS quiet down and look expectantly at the Auditorium door. Nothing happens. The TEACHER'S AIDE looks around nervously. TEACHER'S AIDE (belches loudly) Nothing happens. Excited talking breaks out in the Auditorium. KRUMM Where's the Gromble? OBLINA He's never been late before! ICKIS This is bad...real bad. The SNORCH walks through the door, with ZIMBO on his head. Everyone is silent. ZIMBO It would seem, dear friends, that our Headmaster, the Gromble, is not present today. The STUDENTS murmer. ZIMBO And, it would also seem, that he has not been seen by anyone since just after yesterday's class. ICKIS, OBLINA, and KRUMM glance at oneanother. ZIMBO The Snorch would now request that the monster or monsters who saw the Gromble last raise their hands... Everyone squirms. ZIMBO ...or receive the Snorching of a lifetime! SNORCH (roars) ICKIS, OBLINA, and KRUMM flail their arms wildly. ZIMBO flies to perch on the desk in front of them. ZIMBO So--you three saw the Gromble? ICKIS Well, ah, yes, we saw him...until he left. KRUMM Then we couldn't see him anymore. ZIMBO Where did he go? OBLINA Well, you see, Zimbo, we were in the sewers watching some humans. ZIMBO Young lady, do you know the penalty for human-watching at this Academy? KRUMM Hey! The Gromble was watching them too! ZIMBO As I said, a rewarding pasttime, human-watching. ICKIS Then the Gromble went to follow one of them. ZIMBO Hm...Who was this fascinating human? OBLINA His name was Snenger, I think. ICKIS I thought it was Squendall. KRUMM No, it was Snyder, remember? SNIV Snyder? That guy the yellow-headed human was talking about on the picture-box yesterday? ZIMBO Picture-box? STUDENTS SNIV! SNIV sinks in his seat. ZIMBO We seem to have an emergency on our hands. Obviously, the Gromble has been abducted by this human. Who usually handles situations like this? ICKIS, OBLINA, AND KRUMM The Gromble. ZIMBO Ah. Well then, we have no choice, but to blanket the city, and look for the Gromble ourselves. OBLINA Us, sir? ZIMBO All of us. And anyone found not participating will be Snorched. Repeatedly. Class dismissed. No one moves. ZIMBO I said, class dismissed! TEACHER'S AIDE (jumping up quickly) (belches) All the STUDENTS rush out the doors, with the exception of ICKIS, OBLINA, and KRUMM. ZIMBO flies back to the SNORCH's head and they leave as well. KRUMM Things just get worse every day, don't they? OBLINA Come on! We must go find the Gromble! ICKIS Can't we wait until after finals week? OBLINA Ickis! ICKIS Just a thought.

ICKIS, OBLINA, and KRUMM leave.